Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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