We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
