I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
