yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
