I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
