ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
