i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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