Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
