I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
