The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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