remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
