There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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