My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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