dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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