i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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