Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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