Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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