After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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