I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
