I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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