In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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