why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
