She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
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