i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
