Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
