I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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