I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think my fart just growled at me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
