I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
