So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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