Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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