I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
