But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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