Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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