He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
