i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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