all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
