maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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