Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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