Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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