peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
