did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
