She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
