dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Damn victory sex feels great
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
