New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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