she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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