Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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