Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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