God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need to calm my uterus...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
