My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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