How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
