My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's blow job season.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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