I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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