You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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