Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
