why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
